Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
do herpes really smell.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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