My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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