If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
