Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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