Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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