I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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