did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
