Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
