We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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