i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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