Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
