Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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