then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
