Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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