I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
