I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
