ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We left the knife in your bed.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
