I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
