i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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