My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
