I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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