i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
