from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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