I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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