I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
