she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
