Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
