So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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