my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
