apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
