he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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