Don't make out with my wife yet
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."