Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.