I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
