So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
