even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I believe in your delicious
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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