so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
