you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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