you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
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Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
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I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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