Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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