he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Randomize
