I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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