Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
