I wish I only lived at night.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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