So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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