So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
