i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
