i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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