The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
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I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
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Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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