you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
