Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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