My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he puts the penis in happiness.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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