New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
