my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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