Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
