I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
