I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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